"Plural" Alone and lonely, I am dull with no wit about my empty shell and strife as a cloud hangs about my indolent head disrupting thoughts of contentness and your fingers lace about my silky thighs strumming upon them a lovely tune. Unlocked, the key is found and I search for none other for my heart has found its song and our music is heard deep and absorbed into each sliver of me soft tears tracing down a burning face dripping from my quivering chin to my endless melancholy ocean yearning for every piece of you it is clear.. that all the mistakes that I have stumbled upon and the heaviness of existing burdens are of no matter in your deep gentle eyes my fingertips ache to feel the essence of you slowly and magically you smooth my defaulted and scared self filling the marred grooves for.. As one, I am lonely and dull.. Together eternally merged by the invisible ties of attachment and devotion signifying love I find the absolute me I am beautiful.. and I am you. -EMH '97 Untitled waiting watching wanting their eyes are open but they are blind they follow the current yet they are left behind their balanced lives began to fall I change by not changing at all. They watch the world with vacant eyes held together with invisible ties living laughing lying the twists the turns the fear the pain the lonely road the dark the rain the seconds slip by yet time stands still life is empty, I've lost my will. inside their empty shells hiding from the world becoming nothingness right and wrong are swirled being believing belonging parting silky lips to breath my black lies watching every thought from behind stolid eyes silence and confusion eternally bound the absolute me, will never be found.
A Wee Little Story I sat shivering, on the cold bathroom floor. Silent sobs shook my already weak body. The hard tiles covering the floor pressed into the bare skin of my legs. the soft tears dripped down my face forming what seemed to be an endless ocean of melancholy sadness. I watched my soul, my life and my entire being drowning, sinking deeper and deeper into my self contained sea of emotion. I let my long hair encircle my face, wanting to be engulfed by it, wanting to disappear from this unwanted earth, this unwanted alertness. Thoughts and colors (red ) teemed around inside my head, crashing against my brain, trying to force themselves out, or in. (The one goal.) With my eyes shut I watched the monster that was me, crawling further and further away from the expected reality. Its twisted, blurred conscience leading it to where it would fit in. (Was there such a place? ) Time, it was there, I knew it was, that much was obvious. To find it, to grasp it seemed to be utterly and completely impossible. (Never.) With my back against the gray-green bathroom wall, I slid my emaciated body up and leaned against the dirt stained door. I struggled to keep myself in contact with the rest of what was, at one time, right. It was slipping, I could feel it. Not physically, not entirely mentally,not yet, but it was there, it was a knowing, a sensing. (Do you feel it? ) Without the total control of my body I attempted to walk (Stumble. ) across the room to the mirror. I had to see the horror, see if it was really there. If it had really taken its outward place. The place it had long since claimed, but not yet assumed. Had it disappeared completely? Where was the me that was once me? Questions, too many, too many to be answered at one time, if ever. (Smoke. )The dark haze shadowing my vision covered the true me, the one I wanted, (or did I? ) the one I felt I would never, ever find again. I was there, I could scarcely touch me. (Almost. ) Reaching, stretching my consciousness, as well as my unconsciousness toward it. It was beyond me, I was up above it. Life.(?) Who can define it. It's not a interrogatory, not to us. (To me? ) Is it really what we fabricate it? Or is it deliberate, engineered for us, ready to be operated, adapt for a soul to be affixed to it so that it may carry out its machined reservation? If it was mapped, I wanted to find the being who planned mine. And I wanted to kill them. (DIE DIE DIE!! )Someone did it, someone is responsible. If it is the truth, then they chose me, out of hatred, for revenge. Why was I placed in this paltry existence?? Who did this to me? Am I so loathed? I peered intensely into the yellowing mirror, viewing me. Is this who I am? The dark circles under my eyes reflected the many nights I spent, escaping. (Such fun. ) If they only knew! They did, most of them, knew not what was, but what was suppose to be. And to them, none was a lie. The tears that were falling from my darkened eyes had stopped suddenly, as if the pain had ceased. It hadn't, It wouldn't. The pale face gazing back at me was vacant, yet I knew what was really there. Looks, as they say, can be deceiving. Somebody knows, I whispered to the ghastly image in the mirror. (Yes.), it whispered back. I needed it so badly, I needed my one escape. It, ironically, was the one thing that was causing me to slip forever away. I needed it so badly. (So bad. ) I felt as though I was alone, again. I think life is a long longing. I know it is. Life is not a fact, though it may seem to be, it's a searching for the truth, a constant changing and evolving of the present. Therefore its fiction. Has anyone really found it? Is my eluding helping me to search? To discover? Its pleasurable, (pure.), no matter what its making me do. I miss it. (Gone??) I extended my hand forward to wipe the filth (me ) from the mirror. I saw myself moving laggard, slow motion, through dense liquid. I brushed my hair back from my face and turned my head slightly to the left looking closely at the unfamiliar features staring back. When did this happen? When did I vitiate away from myself and become this unwanted monster, this perverted version of rightness? The black thing that we all have hidden away deep down inside of us was pulling at me, drawing me down, down deeper, closer to where I did not ache to be. (Feared. ) I should have known it was coming. How could I not? It was all so perfect before, I was so radiant!! I was so full of what seemed to be eternal bliss!! I was so.. fake. (Forever. Forever. Never. Forever.) And now, my enervation fills me, it's what I want. When will they see? Them, as in all, as in the ones that have their eyes closed. They see yet they are blind. (Shrouded.) They see what they want, and what they see is forced into the depth of their minds, making they believe that it is their only and every desire. What they don't want to see they yield away from as if its not there, as if, when ignored, it will no longer be. (Be.) I felt the floor crumbling beneath my feet, saw the walls shiver and fade. I began to wonder if they had been there at all. All around me the earthy objects I once held so dear began to explode in small puffs of silky smoke which seemed to swirl around me forcing its melancholy onto me, into me. I felt as though I was falling yet my physical being was not sure. The darkness around me was deafening, it choked me with its dense blackness. Where was up? I saw a brilliant purple blaze radiating around me, from everywhere, from nowhere. To me it signified hope. The tears had once again returned to my eyes and I felt their stinging saltiness as they dripped down my face, my chin and disappeared forever into the nothingness that was about me. I tried to look at the light, to view its source, (such beauty) but with no where to focus, my eyes slipped rapidly around. (Hunting.) My breathing came quickly. My breath being forced in and out of my lungs in an undesired rhythm. (Pressure.) I closed my eyes, squeezing them tight. I saw the murkiness of vitality filling in the gaps of my unknown fantasy. I pictured the one thing I wanted to be, nothing. That, I knew was reachable, it had to be, so many people before me had achieved without trying. It was my turn. (Roll the dice.) The light grew stronger and warmer, pushing its heat into the vary core of me. Each bone, each cell felt the sensation as it penetrated deeper into the pours of my physical self. (Dreamy.) The inner voices, that had come to be so suddenly, raged with anger and confusion screeching their oral defecations into my heart, to be passed through my body being absorbed and taken in as though they were pure. (Helpful. ) It was nothing new, though it seemed different. It was not. The self I had been guarding for so long suddenly crumpled into dust that was blown away and lost among the preexisting decay of actuality.
"Ode To Him" A raging fire burning deep A pain that should not end The one I loved and now I weep I've lost my closest friend The one who loved me no matter what Who took away my pain The ties between us could not be cut He brought me joy again If I could bring the words I spake Back to their hellish spawn And from my mind such thoughts to brake Our love might still go on Of all the things that I have done The errors I did make Losing him was number one My very worst mistake I cannot help but love him still And maybe even more But love from him I fear I've killed And MYSELF, I do abhor -I wrote this in about 1995 for my ex.
my head is filled with disease my heart trampled with lies the filth in my veins flows free waiting to be released with a *slice* of my soul. the thick black clots of knowledge force their way through my body severing dreams tearing the truth the reflection of a sugary fire is soiled to another form unrecognized even by those who have always experienced the sharpness of the razor felt its thin edge slice through bold thoughts *releasing* all of what was, at one time, true. Solar Waltz Up is like down, when there is no ground. Only you and I, dismissing the multitude of dazzled, blinking eyes twinkling with avarice. Gliding Moon around the Earth, revolving to the mellifluous, inherent rhythm . . . . . . . . easing away at the final turn until I lure you out again. simultaneous circles, sound-circumference, our fingertips pressing each other back without a single sensation. Everyone's observing our soft, eternal purl. Expectedly bound, respectfully bright, our envied orbit, never losing step. We are not to be duplicated except by our own mirrored-selves. We ignite each other, and sustain this heated sheen of passion. Always cheek to cheek, our movement sleek. Forever, Unceasingly, Dancing. Anxiety He has opened the door where Confusion dwells- and he stays for tea, conversation and countless, often answerless questions. Answers often contradicting. (some questions cannot be formulated, their words swirl together in unexecuted conceptions.) No one can (cares to) fathom what lies behind his eyes, for he himself often doubts, challenges, stirs The Understanding there. Slowly he finds (fills) the pages from the book of no author Title Unknown - and he assembles them diligently, smoothing crumpled edges. Next step - Translation and Analyzation The process is preoccupying (eternal) but he feels not a single other soul makes this attempt for, his (internal) pages are Blank to them. So he appoints himself to the task Questions, Triumph, Conviction, Truth - All Words of existence and those incapable of ever becoming, will someday tumble together coherently for (only) him. Rustling into neat rows, filling the gaps of his unfinished story. For now - Ordering numberless pages, some missing, others unwritten but still this makes him, Him. He is enraptured with this trial and error - outwardly showing, temporarily his defeat and retreat and reretreat - his anger valid No one knows of his mission, his obsession, His only fault is not the multitudes of questions without answers, it is his lack of lull - And inside There, Tea time lasts 28 hours a day. Sestina (What is a sestina?) <-- click Monologue I was thinking about the battle, between He and You.. and I. I guess you won that battle, for a while anyway. Who is the real loser here? Why was it you'd beat up your cousin when he made those remarks, but I wouldn't beat her? You'd be mad, I believe, even though we knew it was wrong, impossible. I didn't want you angry. Remember that time you took the phone into the other room and I laid my head on the table? I don't think you even realized... Who invented this thing, this so-called love? And made it so important that we keep it above Our own body, our own soul All of the things that make us whole? I hate it! I hate it! This emotional bane, Leading me down the agony lane. We don't love to love, we love to hate. does anyone struggles to escape their fate? We close our eyes and follow our hearts Not knowing our souls will be torn apart The tiny slices leave larger scars. Not as safe as I thought behind these emotional bars When the master key is owned by all, My sheltered live begins to fall. For now it's beautiful, a beautiful pain . . . How much longer will I play this game? This losing and losing again and again Not leaving the time for my wounds to mend? Don't come near, you can't crumble my wall, I've built it so strong it will never fall. Like a lock wound 'round my heart - A tight rope keeping it from falling apart. Sure it may restrict the beating, Bit i forget about sensation when I'm retreating. Why do I need love to keep me sane? Who needs heartache and a sinister pain? I and my loneliness are tied up inside, I don't need anyone, my soul has died. You've killed it along with my kinship for you. Alone is better, I've proven it true. |